Is it high self-esteem or narcissism?

In the last post, I went deep into whether Self-Affirmations can help with someone's (low) self-esteem. But I realize we didn't even discuss what self-esteem really is!

Although we all have a general understanding of what it is, one thing I find very helpful as a psychological scientist and coach is to get more specific, for both a psychological phenomenon and even what something means or manifests for a client. The higher the specificity, the clearer we understand what it is we are dealing with, what the problem really is, and how to actually try to fix it if necessary.

So this post is to help you determine whether you or someone you know has a high self-esteem or have narcissistic tendencies.

My favourite part...a quiz! Read the following statements and note which one is true for you.

  1. I like myself.

  2. I am highly effective at the things I do.

  3. I like being the most popular person at a party.

  4. I often feel as if I need compliments from others in order to be sure of myself.

  5. I am a worthwhile human being.

  6. I am almost always able to accomplish what I try for.

  7. I tend to take charge of most situations.

  8. I often hide my needs for fear that others will see me as needy and dependent.

  9. I am very comfortable with myself.

  10. I often fulfill my goals.

  11. When people judge me, I just don't care.

  12. I get angry when criticized.

  13. I have enough respect for myself.

  14. I deal well with challenges in my life.

  15. I deserve to receive special treatment.

  16. It irritates me when people don't notice how good a person I am.

Do Self-Affirmations Actually Work?

If you've ever felt down and wanted to build yourself up, or you're generally in the self- or personal-development space, then you've probably heard about "affirmations" or "self-affirmations."

And they have either been life-changing for you đŸ€© or super annoying 🙄.

My own opinion about this straddles and alternates between the two. But, not one to just rest my thoughts on "opinions," I sought out to see what the science says about this.

So do self-affirmations work in helping you feel better and lift your self-esteem?

The answer is YES and NO, because it depends on what is meant by "self-affirmations," what kind of affirmations are being done, and the type of person doing the affirmation.

This post will get to the bottom of this to let you know what type of self-affirmations DO work, and when to stay away from them.

How to focus your energy and attention for an intentional 2021

Happy 2021 Everyone!

If you haven't done so already, I invite you to start the year off strong with figuring out what you want to focus on for your life.

We get so busy with tons of demands on us, and for the pro-personal development and high achievement types, we set even MORE demands on ourselves to do ALL THE THINGS.

Some of us may even have "shiny object syndrome" (I'm #guilty) where instead of really focusing on what we decided we should prioritize, we get sucked into doing or exploring something new and shiny. This phenomenon is due to your brain getting a dopamine hit when you do or try something new. So it's like you're chasing that "high", where it may not be helping you grow or achieve in the direction you actually want to because you've scattered your energy, time, and attention.

So for all you who aspire to live intentionally, here is an exercise I propose to help you lead an intentional year and life!

I call it the Combo Clarity Cards Pyramid + Do Not Do List (or CCPDNDL for short 😅)

Why I no longer argue with people who don't wear masks (and what to do instead)

The more I learn about psychology--the science of the mind, emotion, and behaviour--the more I'm disappointed in human beings as a species, due to the crazy amount of cognitive biases we have, among other issues.

But it also helps me become more at peace with people and human nature, mainly when I'm at my best, compassionate self or, conversely, when I'm at my "I really don't have time or energy for this sh*t" self.

There is one key concept that has helped me become at peace and no longer argue with people who choose to not wear masks, who choose to not believe in Covid, and who doesn't try to understand what "asymptomatic carrier" means.

For those of you who are on the right side of history, I hope this post helps you become more at peace with other irrational human's behaviours and thought processes.

That concept is called "motivated reasoning."

How to give happier TODAY! (Giving Tuesday Dec 1, 2020)

This special edition is out on Tuesday instead of the usual Wednesday because it happens to coincide with the worldwide GivingTuesday movement to encourage people to do good and inspire generosity, which results in many organizations matching your donation TODAY (only for most organizations) to make it 2x or even 3x!

If you’ve already lost interest in this post because you’re “not the type to donate money”, don’t stop reading yet. There are actually good and “selfish” reasons you should actually give money today! This is a judgement-free zone as to WHY you give, as long as you give. So if you don’t want to give for reasons like stopping climate change, saving the earth, or helping starving children, you can at least do it to make yourself feel happier.

First things first. When someone says, “Money doesn’t buy happiness,” my response to them is, “Then you don’t know how to spend properly.”

Money in and of itself does not lead to happiness. However, money can be a vehicle for happiness. Obviously one needs to be above the poverty line to feel a sense of security and safety (i.e., having reliable shelter and food), which are foundational human needs. And beyond that, money can buy happiness in multiple ways.

A Super Powerful Type of Connection

Can you lose weight just by thinking about it?

Can you make better decisions by holding your pee?

The answer is, maybe!

Pylin, what are you talking about?

These statements are in the realm of possibility due to a super powerful type of connection.

The mind-body connection.

“I think, therefore I am./Je pense, donc je suis.”

This Descartes quote has always represented the long-held paradigm of separating the mind and the body. For example, psychiatrists would use to only prescribe pharmaceuticals to help treat depression “in the brain” of those who suffer from it.

But turns out, the new paradigm is that the mind and body are so connected they are pretty much ONE. What you do to your body can impact your mind, and what’s going on in your mind can impact your body. In fact, psychiatrists are now prescribing aerobic exercises to help treat depression, anxiety, ADHD, and even addiction.

As someone with a deep interest in psychology, I thought I’d share with you how intertwined our bodies and minds are by sharing some interesting studies as evidence of this connection.

Being productive isn’t the same as being alive

Something weird happened to me a few weeks ago.

For some background: I am a crazy Type A planner who feels the need to plan her entire day in 30-min increments in her calendar, uses this as a time tracker to see where I’m spending my time and how long things actually take (has that “only 1 hour” project ever only been 1 hour? No! I know about planning fallacy, topic for a future post, and I should know by now to multiply any new project timeline at least 2-3x its original optimistic estimate), and tries to cram as many things into her day as possible to feel super productive.

So what happened: A few weeks ago, it was one of those days that I nailed all the things on my to-do list starting from 6:15am to 10pm. Here is a screenshot of my actual Google calendar of that day. (Yes I put in “shower” time or else I forget I need to include “shower” time into my day and “showering” actually takes time! You think I joke
Also, any GTD folks will see I don’t use the GTD method well as, I list other things beyond the “hard landscapes” into my calendar
I’m working on it!)

Was I productive? Yes! I fucking nailed it that day in terms of self/home care, creating, being organized, networked, and even did coaching for a prospective client.

But did I feel human? No!

Your health’s non-negotiable

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Have you ever woken up feeling extremely groggy or feeling like death for no apparent reason?

(It’s not like you went to an all-night rave the night before
or did you? 😅)

This might be due to your chronotype.

What is a chronotype?

Let’s first define some terms and build up to what a chronotype is.

All humans have internally built-in, genetically dictated biological clocks (made up of specific molecules) that dictate the timing of our circadian rhythm, both how long the rhythms are and their timing.

"Circadian rhythms are physical, mental, and behavioural changes that follow a daily cycle.” In Latin, the root “circa” means “around/approximately” and “diem” means “day”. These rhythms are mostly known as related to the sleep/wake cycle, but it also encompasses things like hormone production, body temperature, cell regeneration, brain wave activity, etc.

There has been debates about how long our internal clocks are, but a rigorous study by Czeisler and team at Harvard has found that "the range for normal, healthy adults of all ages to be...24 hours and 11 minutes ± 16 minutes.” They found that no matter what the people in the study did during the day, or when they went to bed or woke up, their “body temperature and hormones rose and fell on an average of 24 hours and 11 minutes” cycle.

However, despite us all having biological clocks/circadian rhythm that is roughly 24hr+ in its cycle, turns out that not all of our internal clocks are aligned perfectly to the sunrise/sunset times or our work/school schedules, and can impact when you sleep or wake-up (and relatedly, when you are alert vs groggy).

Which brings us to chronotypes. Our chronotype is our “innate tendency to sleep at a particular time during a 24-hour period.” Chronotype is made up of the root “chron” from the Greek word “Khronos” means “time”.

What you may be doing that estranges others and blocks you from your own goals

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When things are going well, how do you see the world? How do you behave or respond to others?

And when things go to shit, how do you see the world then? How do you behave or respond?

Today we will focus on the latter, as we are living in a global pandemic, in case you haven't heard, and things are basically going to shit for a lot of people.

(Although I want to call out that there are also people who are actually thriving under these conditions).

When we are under a lot of stress, or experiencing some form of conflict, we humans actually have predictable tendencies of seeing the world, thinking, and behaving.

Let’s see what tendencies you have.

Read the items below and note which items you agree with

A secret and simple skill to boost your well-being and help you live longer

Click here to listen to this newsletter as a PODCAST [8:59]

Do you want a super simple skill that can boost your happiness, well-being, and can even help you live longer?

Say no more Pylin, what is it!?

Ok, before I tell you, let’s try the following exercise to see what you do.

Scenario: Let’s say you’re in the middle of going through your backlog of work emails, and your partner or best friend barges in and announces, “I got a promotion today!”

How do you usually respond?

How you may be ruining your life with your high standards

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Read the following items. Do you agree or disagree?

  1. If you don’t expect much out of yourself, you will never succeed.

  2. When I am working on something, I cannot relax until it is perfect.

  3. If I ask someone to do something, I expect it to be done flawlessly.

  4. If I do not set the high standards for myself, I am likely to end up a second-rate person.

  5. I set higher goals than most people.

  6. My best just never seems to be good enough.

  7. My performance rarely lives up to my standards.

  8. The better I do, the better I am expected to do.

  9. If I do not do well all the time, people will not respect me.

  10. Even when I do something very carefully, I often feel that it is not quite right.

If you agreed with some or most of these items, you may have perfectionism tendencies.

Why habits fail Part 2/2

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In the last newsletter, we learned 3 reasons why people fail at their habits:

1. They focus too much on motivation.
2. They make the habit too hard for themselves.
3. They don't design their environment.

Today’s newsletter will focus on 3 more factors.

4. They didn’t have a plan B or contingency plan.

Let’s face it, even when you have designed a way to perfectly execute your habits, life happens. What may seem like a minor hiccup can throw your habit formation off balance.

One example is from Noella* (*named changed) who planned to do her 7 minutes of exercise after she has her first cup of coffee in the morning. Seems simple right?

Well, Noella has a 2-year old who wakes up at seemingly random times throughout the week. Sometimes he wakes up a lot after Noella, other time he wakes up right when Noella wakes up, and when this happens, Noella's morning habit routine gets thrown off balance, and she ends up not even doing the 7 minutes of exercise.

A way around this is to have a Plan B in place in case of an obstacle.

Why habits fail Part 1/2

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In the last post, we learned that you only need 3 things for a behaviour to become a habit:

  • Reliable Prompt: something to cue your brain to activate the habit

  • Repetition: without repetition, the brain will not lock in the Prompt (A) —> Behaviour (B) association for a behaviour to become a habit

  • Reward: ensuring your brain has some kind of dopamine boost

If it only takes 3 things for a habit to form, then why do so many people fail at keeping up with their new year resolution to engage in some kind of habit?

Today’s post will focus on 3 factors, and the next post will focus on 3 additional factors.

The unconscious pursuit of excellence

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We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
~Aristotle

In the previous newsletters, I’ve written about figuring out what your goals in life are.

  • Some goals are a one-time events, such as buying a house.

  • Other goals are multiple time events, such as qualifying for multiple marathons.

  • Other goals are process goals, such as moving your body daily via walking, running, or some form of exercise.

But one thing these goals all have in common is that they all require some kind of consistency in order to achieve that goal in the first place.

  • You have to consistently save for years in order to have enough down payment for a house.

  • You have to consistently run to qualify for multiple marathons.

  • You have to consistently move your body to, well, move your body daily!

One path to achieving excellences is via consistency in the pursuit of your goals through habits.

Should you read a book or binge on Netflix?

Should you read a book or binge on Netflix?

Click here to listen to this newsletter as a PODCAST [7:59]

Have you ever felt this inner struggle? The better angels of our nature wants us to do good, productive things like reading a book (or meal prep for the week), but then we end up binging on Netflix (or indulging in other guilty pleasures) instead?

Well, you’re not alone! As human beings, we are goal-directed systems*, and (un)fortunately, we have many and often conflicting goals.

  • Goals: internal representations of our desired states. Desired states can be for a certain outcome, event to happen, or process to take place.

  • *Goal-directed systems are also known as cybernetic systems, if you wanna get all fancy đŸ€“

My real life example of conflicting goals I’ve experienced this week are the goals of:

  1. spending time to work on my business vs

  2. enjoying the short Canadian summer by spending time outdoors with friends.

I ended up only working 2/7 days this week, and although I feel personally fulfilled from all the sunshine, exercise, and social interactions, I also feel guilt from not having done as much work as I wanted on my business.

To further complicate the situation, there are both conscious and unconscious goals vying for your attention, action, and internal resources.

How to use death as a motivator

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So what do I mean by using death as a motivator?

Let’s be super real for a second; we are all going to die one day.We humans don’t think or reflect on that enough because it can be scary.

Heck, when I was a kid, I remember being in bed and couldn’t sleep, and suddenly I got really scared of death.

  • Is it just darkness forever?

  • Would I feel anything?

  • But would I know I’m dead?

Even as an adult, every 4-5 years or so, I definitely go through a week or so where I’m suddenly scared of death again.

  • So everything will just be gone forever?

  • I will never ever get to interact with all the people I’ve ever known forever?

  • Is it just darkness forever? Would I feel anything? (notice any trends here?)

  • Oh my god, there’s so much I still want to do!!!

This last fear is what helps me take more actions in life. I don’t know about you, but I have a bucket list that I would love to accomplish.

Bucket list: a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime (Here’s an example of a bucket list)

But, sometimes, what holds me back from doing what I want to do in life is what I’ll call the lower case fear.